I don’t usually care much for babies. They have to be one of the worst inventions in history. They scream, shit, and cry for no reason, the fact I ever was one disturbs me greatly. New parents will tell you how cute they are. New parents are wrong. If you’re a new parent google kittens or puppies or koala bears, that’s cute. That thing you made looks like the love child of E.T. and a potato. Wait a few years before you get mad at me, because eventually you’ll realize how right I am. I have seen many parents come to their senses once their offspring have matured.
I’m not just sat here insulting babies for no reason or because it’s easier than taking candy from an E.T. – potato love child. I’m doing it because soon you’re all going to be hearing a lot about a baby you don’t really care about. No, it’s not another one of your facebook friends, it’s someone with a much bigger delusional sense of self importance. The Royal Family.
A few years ago a guy named Will married a girl named Kate. We didn’t really care but didn’t have time to question it or start a revolution because this event somehow turned into four days off of work for us muggles. More than that, it turned into a country wide four day piss up. Well done Monarchy, you kept our devotion a little while longer. A year or two later came complete news coverage that these two were soon to pop out a sprog. News of wars, disasters, and hard earned achievements would have to wait. It was time to be informed that the second in line to be dictator got laid, so his wife was just about to give birth to the third in line to the dictatorship. It’s quite an achievement to be an unelected dictator as a baby. When I was a baby I just shit may pants. I don’t do that anymore. I go commando.
Now we have to deal with it all again. The news will be filled with the fact that someone we don’t know is going to drop out a second child. For a reason i’m not entirely sure of in the year 2015, we’re all supposed to care.
As we know by now, this blog isn’t about hating on babies. The arrival of another royal baby just seems like the ideal time to question why a supposedly civilized western culture still insists on allowing a family to prance around above all of us as unelected rulers. Many British people are quick to question other countries for not getting with the times. How can America have so many people still dedicating their lives to religion? How can Russia refuse certain people human rights? How can China treat so many of their citizens like slaves? And there we are, a country once responsible for so many great things, being ruled by an old lady and her family.
For a while I’ve been on the fence about the royal family. All my hyperbole about dictators aside, they don’t have much real power any more. They’re just a kind of classy reality celebrity, only none of them had to make a sex tape to get famous in the twenty first century, they just had to survive the revolutions most of Europe saw through the nineteenth century. So up until recently I’ve just seen them as somewhat of a tourist attraction. People come from all over the world to soak up the fairy tale that you can spend your life in castles wearing jewels and purple velvet capes. Holy fuck the Queens a pimp.
They’re not very powerful and they make us a bit of money. Where’s the harm in that? Turns out, the harm is everywhere. The first and most mild point is that they don’t really make the whole country money, just London. London will benefit from any Royal tourism, no one is travelling to Birmingham or my own home town to bask in the British Monarchy. Yet again another person has forgotten that the whole country isn’t a suburb of London.
A second point, and we’re getting a bit stronger here, comes down to what is almost brand image. As a country trying to keep up with a rapidly changing and evolving world we need to appear as modern and fresh as any other competitor. Prime Minister and President send out two different messages. One says ‘I am an elected leader with a lot of power and responsibility’. The other says ‘I still technically need the Monarchs permission to be all of that stuff’. I’ve grown to hate tradition. It’s a bullshit word that encourages peoples fear of change. When you think of things that are traditional you tend not to think of anything amazing. How traditional is facebook? how traditional is the internet? how traditional was NASA landing a man on the moon? We need to break free from the shackles of tradition, tradition stand in the way of progress. NASA didn’t reach the moon on a horse.
A more serious point now. Because we still have a Monarchy, we still have a house of lords. The house of lords are an unelected bunch of guys and gals who get to make a disturbing amount of decisions for our country. My idea of disturbing from a group of people holding seats of power because they come from a rich family, are part of the Church of England, or got put there by the Queen is anything more that the square root of jack. All joking aside this needs to go. Along with the Monarchy.
So why do we have a Monarchy still? They are detrimental to us as a people and all that we stand for. You could look to the death of Diana Frances for answers. Diana’s death shocked the world, and people made a lot of noise about it. Some people look back now and see the extreme public mourning as something of a national embarrassment. I remember watching the news as a child and wondering why so much attention was given to this news. But that’s not the point to be seen here. One family weren’t joining in. The Royal Family. They failed to join in because they were out of touch with the public mood, and this left people angry at them. The desire to abolish the Monarchy peaked as they refused to join the public mourning. As they refused to get in line with the public.
What happened next is the reason we still have a Monarchy. They ditched their own values in a desperate bid for self preservation. The Queen made a public address about Diana’s death, and adverted disaster for the Monarchy.
Since then the Royal Family have done much of the same. During a time the rest of the country were suffering through an economic crisis, the Monarchy was stream lined. The Queen kicked her family off of the Royal balcony during public events. Not literally. Which is a shame because it might have kept some attention on the royals for that big wedding instead of everyone staring at someones arse. Now when you look at the royals, you see a few of the important ones. Not a giant crowd of spoiled privileged brats living off of your taxes while everything around you is getting cut. Anyone not in favor of the Monarchy should rejoice in these little changes. It’s not the Queen keeping with the times, It’s a futile attempt to prevent the inevitable.
The Monarchy won’t last long. It’s mostly tolerated at the moment because the Queen has indeed devoted her life to it, and maybe to us. It won’t disappear while she’s still alive. But there have already been questions as to whether anyone would want her son as King. People suggest it should be handed straight to Will because he’s riding the crest of positive public opinion after marrying someone with a pretty face and having a few kids. The truth is once the Queens gone there will be no sense of respect to unelected leaders. We’ll all come to our senses, and we might just have the chance to move forward.
Here’s hoping I don’t get hung, drawn and quartered.
P.s. it was so hard not to make a hung joke just now.
p.p.s. haha, hard.