We All Took Turns To Be Zombies

Work do’s. The stuff of nightmares. Invented in the late 1980’s so employers could convince their staff that they don’t hate each other, and that there are in fact worse things than working for them. Like getting drunk and realizing how attractive and humorous your colleagues are. Then waking up in the morning and realizing drunk you has lied to you again. Really, why do you keep going back to that guy. It is for almost this reason that I have avoided work do’s since their inception. For a while that was easy as I wasn’t born until the nineties, but then came a horrible period of life after college everyone fears. It goes by the name of employment and luckily only lasts about 50 years. I still mostly avoided them like thieves avoid me;
Thief One: Should we rob that guy?

Thief Two: No, he looks like he has nothing to steal and probably has herpes.

You couldn’t be more wrong. I had a sponge bob key ring you could have stolen.

Eventually there came a time when I did in fact have to attend a work do. It was everything I dreamed it would be. Awkwardly socializing with people you like but wouldn’t really talk to out in the real world, then occasionally mentioning it at work when you’d run out of customers to bitch about. Fast forward to now, and a lot’s changed.

These days most of my time is spent with people I work with. That’s not because I spend all of my time at work. If I did that I wouldn’t be wearing pants that have a brown go faster stripe. I also wouldn’t walk as fast. No, I spend my time with them because you have to be passionate about our line of work, meaning our interests intersect at many points. So we know from the start this isn’t going to be a standard stand around with people you can just about tolerate kind of deal. But how different would it be?

The first thing to take into account is that when you work in a very large seventeenth century fort, a very large seventeenth century fort becomes your playground. The night started off rather chilled out. A nice barbecue on the Forts parade ground that overlooked the city. A standard outdoor barbecue eating poorly cooked food, batting away bugs that seem too big and listening to stupid songs that make you laugh ’til you cry.

The second thing to take into account is that when you work in an activity centre it’s important for you to work on the skills needed to lead certain activities. It’s one of the reasons we charge up mountains, climb ’til our fingers bleed, and on this night use the centres laser guns to have a fort wide game of laser tag.

To improve our ability to teach laser tag. Staff training if you will. And we didn’t even charge for it. Passion.

Playing laser tag at midnight with an entire fort as your arena is exactly as amazing as you would expect it to be. creepy old tunnels, large banks to run around that overlook a wide open field that we were all still stupid enough to walk into the middle of. One of our most successful round was when our team positioned ourselves all around the banks and picked of the opposing team. Although I nearly added a second brown go faster stripe to my pants when I though I heard someone breathing right behind me. With A friend either side of me and two enemies on the field I had everyone accounted for, and it took literally for my friends to point out that the heaving breathing wasn’t a crazy bush dwelling axe murderer, but was in fact the horses that lived in the fields next to the fort. Fuck you sea biscuit, you owe me new pants.

Could life get any better? Yes. There was a lighter to burn my soiled pants with and the guns had a zombie mode.

This mode would require sending one person off into the fort to be the zombie who would then hunt everyone down like wild geese. I’ve seen exactly one zombie film. It involved geese.

I volunteered to go first. One of the first things I thought was that it was kind of cool to be running around an old fort at midnight. A close second thought was that the horrifying zombie noise the gun made would prove a problem if I wanted to follow through with my plan of running away into the wild and then sneaking back next to my friends so I could kill them before they had a chance to react. It’s like school all over again. It became evident that my only option was to desperately crush my already broken hand around the speaker of the gun. It was either that or not take a light hearted game seriously. Yeah right. With gammy hand wrapped around zombie gun, I snuk along the walkways that ran below the first floor and found a perfect hiding place. So perfect I could hear my friends conversation. After hearing a passing comment about how brave I was for being the first volunteer to run around the building alone, I knew it was only a matter of time before they heard my guns zombie growl or moved on to talking about how much of a cunt I am.

Luckily for me there was a third option, and they all set off to find me leaving the perfect opportunity to partake in that age old tradition of shooting your friends in the back. Unfortunately I didn’t do a very good job of turning my friends into zombies, which led to me partaking in an age older tradition of turning around, running away and hiding. What ensued was a zombie hunt through great distances of tunnels, banks and fields. Although I successfully shook them off and surprise attacked them a few more times, I was ultimately too rubbish to turn anyone into a zombie. Although, not to brag, I am amazing at running away and hiding then jumping out at you. Like I could be in a boxing match with Rocky and I’d be able to run around the ring and hide, and he’d be like ‘where’d he go’ and I’d jump out and be like ‘here’d he go’ then he’d punch me right in the middle of the face. The best part of the face.

We all took turns to be zombies, and not too brag, but I was a very good second. First place goes to the colleague who turned us all into zombies within five minutes. You are a true laser tag hero if you can turn turn your friends into zombies within five minutes. That or you’re telling me about your gap year from uni. Tell me more about how all humans should live like the tribe people you met that your now showing me pictures of on your latest iPhone.

Well that’s the end of our latest tale. Even a work do can be turned into something ridiculously awesome if your not afraid to do something a bit ridiculous. It might not seem as cool as going out clubbing, but in the zombie apocalypse we’re the guys that have the necessary training. And a big ass fort.

Happy zombie hunting.



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